I threw myself off a bridge in Zambia, got charged by elephants in Botswana, and flipped upside down in crocodile-infested rapids in Zimbabwe… and the most dangerous thing I did? A round of golf.
After the most memorable, heartwarming 2 weeks in East Africa it was time for a bit more adventure. My last flight to Uganda had a free upgrade but I had to face the sad reality of being back where I belong, Cattle class. Though due to buying so many bloody flights for this trip I’d earned myself a free airport lounge pass which was more than good enough for me.
Frustratingly the cheapest flight from Rwanda involved a stop off in Uganda without leaving the plane for a pickup on the way to Ethiopia, the complete opposite direction of my next destination, Victoria Falls. 2 and a half hours in the wrong direction before a 5-hour flight back over those countries eventually landing in Livingstone, Zimbabwe. Country number 63.
The Kaza Visa on arrival was straightforward enough. $50 and it covered any ventures across the border into Zambia and day trips to Botswana. We jumped in a taxi and the driver provided us with a ‘Tourist menu’ displaying the plethora of activities available here, enough to light up the eyes of anyone searching for a bit of adventure and the desire for adrenaline rushing through their veins.
Unsafe streets
Once again myself and Casey differed in both budget and comfort needs so we dropped him off at his smart hotel, the Drift Inn. We soon found out this was named so as it is literally on the first road outside of the national park and the wild animals are known to drift in to town this way. On redirecting to my hostel I had the usual back and forth with the taxi driver;
“Is it safe to walk around here mate?”
“No, no, no, certainly not at night, if you cross a Hippo or Buffalo in the dark then there’s a high chance you’ll end up dead, and sightings are very common”.
Not the typical answer when asking if it’s safe but merely added to the excitement and drama. This is what it’s all about.
As for me, I checked into my cosy dorm room where, as is often the case you meet some lovely, like-minded people. Time to chill out and enjoy my first bottle of Zambezi. Beautiful.
The evening bought a rather typical torrential downpour that often renders the town electricity free but tonight we were in luck. We headed out to a local traditional restaurant which was buzzing with natives and tourists. Amongst the menu items were Crocodile, stewed cow head and Zebra, all of which were rather niche, but it was the drinks menu that took my breath away.
For English drinkers of a certain age, the appearance of Carling Black Label on the menu was a sight to behold. One of the most famous TV adverts from my youth but sales had stopped in the UK before I reached drinking age. To see it sold here was a real blast from the past. I bloody love Africa.
World Wonder
Morning came and it was time to hit the sights, I’d met the delightful Della in the hostel so she joined myself and Casey to head to Victoria Falls itself.
The National Park that attracts approximately 2 million people to this part of the world every year. 108 metres high and 1708 metres wide, it is one of the biggest waterfalls in the world by any metric. It can reach a flow of up to 12,600 cubic metres per second at peak, yeah same for me, no idea how much that is, but, it sounds like a lot.
But sadly, what it can reach is different to what it did reach that day. Unfortunately for Zimbabwe in general the wet season hadn’t delivered the rain they desired, so as well as causing issues for farmers it meant that the flow over the top of the falls was well below what we’d hoped, the poetic irony was that it was raining that day, but given the scale of the river it is more about what happened 2 months ago upstream in Angola and Zambia. Asi es la vida! You can’t win em all, I’ve been blessed to see Iguazu falls in Brazil and sadly this fell way short as a spectacle due to unfortunate timing. It is what it is. Between February and May will give you the most dramatic sights and always worth researching before you visit
Regardless, it was good craic and the lower levels meant we could witness the drama of ‘Devils Pool’ from across the other side. A high risk scenario where you are tantalisingly hovered over the top of the falls, one that if prepared to take the chance will get you an amazing Instagram photo, by all accounts a thrilling experience and safely managed. One positive was an early sighter of the aptly names Victoria Falls Bridge which was the location of a potential bungee jump in the coming days, let’s see.
Be rude not to
Returning to the ‘Tourist Menu’ I happened across “Zambezi Sunset Boat Cruise – Unlimited Alcohol”. I’m in. I can’t quite recall the cost, but who cares, could be a $1000 but you put ‘unlimited alcohol’ on there and it somehow feels like a bargain.
Boarding the boat there was a lovely late afternoon sunshine, t-shirt weather without the intense heat that you can get in this part of the world. As we crossed the wooden walkway we could already see a Hippo immediately across the river, tonight was going to be a good night.
We found a table with a couple of delightful German ladies and placed our orders. $2 Zambezi’s weren’t going to help me get my moneys worth and the mood really suited a glass of white wine, and another, and due to the efficiency of the boat crew, another and another.
I had the giddiness levels akin to the first day of a stag do, wonderful company, great vibes and an incredible setting. The only downside on the trip was the insistence of the Russian tour group leader to interrupt the guide by repeating everything he said in Russian while we all waited patiently. Honestly it was like the rest of us didn’t even exist, quite an interesting dynamic.
Finally, they ran out of white wine, the only logical solution I thought, or as I was to soon find out, the most illogical solution there is.
“I’ll take a red then please pal”. Aaaand, there ended my memory of the evening.
Game over
I’m led to believe the night progressed with a visit to a pleasant restaurant with our new found friends, one of our group, naming no names, falling asleep at the table. And to top it all off, an unsavoury incident of vomiting in the bathroom, home by 10pm, fine by midnight.
When will I learn, seemingly never, but I now know that mixing red and white wine is a no-no, always educating myself, got to find the positives. Regardless, a trip that I would highly recommend.
I’ve solved it! We all search for meaning, purpose, and truth. But let’s be honest — the question we really care about is: how do you dodge a hangover?
Start early and finish early, it really is that simple. I woke the next morning feeling surprisingly chirpy, but this continent can do that to you. Happy vibes and endless opportunities for entertainment. Sat round the breakfast table we assessed our options.
An alternative view
“Helicopter over the falls anyone?”
Sounds good to me, just needed an outfit change for Della and we were ready to rock and roll. I was chucked in the front for weight distribution purposes, I’ll take that as a compliment, and before we knew it we were taking off with our legendary pilot, Gibbs. A man who knew every hectare of the land below, consummately describing the breathtaking journey we were undertaking, dropping in facts between the silences allowing us to simply relax and enjoy the stunning views.
It really was a cracking experience, but I can’t lie, there was still a feeling I was seeing an underperforming spectacle, like going to the Bernabeu to watch a midweek Copa Del Rey game against lower league opposition. You were in the right place but you weren’t quite getting full value.
30 minutes later we were back on terra firma and done and dusted by lunch time.
“Anyone fancy popping to a new country?”
“Sure why not eh?”
So off we went, the Taxi dropped us just short of the bridge and we hopped over to country number 64, Zambia. I always said I’d never do a bungee jump until I spontaneously decided to join my buddies in Costa Rica many years ago, of course with my good pal Casey. Once you’ve done one, the second didn’t seem such a challenge.
We grabbed a quick beer whilst waiting at the registration point and observed the owners catapulting stones at the cheeky monkeys who were biding their time to jump on peoples tables and escape with a burger in hand, quite the entertainment. A pleasant distraction from the screaming, shrill cries coming from the bridge.
Second thoughts?
Waiting over, time for myself and Case to suit up and get ready to throw ourselves off the bridge 120m above the river below, sounds a little less appealing now i’m here. Then it started to hit me, I’d been as cool as a cucumber in the build-up trying to encourage the rest of our crew to get involved but to no avail. Only now standing on the platform did it really sink in what was about to happen. Sure, 10 years ago it was fine but now I’m starting to doubt myself.
Watching Casey cooly drop off was certainly entertaining and he very much took it in his stride, well played Sir. Thank God at this point I wasn’t aware of the one cord failure that had happened here a few years earlier otherwise I may have seriously reconsidered my decision. That day the young Australian lady landed in the River below and lived to bravely tell her remarkable tale of survival.
But, here we are, and if I’m going to claim Zambia as a country visited, I don’t think wandering over the border for a beer would suffice, throwing myself 111m off a bridge however, I’m claiming it. So here goes…
Never again!!
I can’t lie, at no point of that was I enjoying the experience, questioning my life decisions while swinging and bouncing upside down, listening to the chuckles of the locals up above me, and the millions of cubic metres of water flowing below me in one of Africa’s great rivers. That was thoroughly unpleasant. ‘Would I do one again?’ Bloody hell no, welllll, maybe, try me again in 10 years.
What an experience, what a day, celebrated with the purchase of the Zimbabwe national jersey and a few beers back at the hostel. We passed an eventful night with some locals and all was going great til our new found pal had a few too many. It seemed from his mates reaction that this wasn’t the first time and that his ‘falling off the chair’ act was considered the signal to end the evening.
Africa, the continent that keeps on giving, morning came and of course, time for the next mission and why not a new country as well. The KAZA Visa allows entry into Botswana for up to 24 hours and with some of the most epic safari’s in Africa, it was the perfect way to spend the day. We met up with our new group for the day and headed into country number 65 led by TT our enthusiastic guide and driver.
2 hours later and we were sat there watching wild Elephants and Giraffes, I had prime spot chilling on the back of the open sided truck and it was nice to get 2 of the big ones ticked off early before heading to the water for the afternoon. Crocodiles were easily spotted and again it was reiterated just how lethal the Hippo’s were and that we wouldn’t be getting too close.
More to come
A fulfilling yet tranquil day but the fun wasn’t over yet. As the main group headed home, myself and Casey along with a lovely Kiwi couple decided to extend our stay with a bit of overnight camping. The Safari was done but we were a long way from camp. We stocked up on a couple of beers for the evening and it was a truly bloody wonderful feeling driving through the park with the wind flowing through the remainder of my hair, sun setting gently over the trees with a can of Castle Lite. What more could you want?
As we cruised along the roads we had our eyes peeled knowing we could see one of a plethora of wild animals pop out at any point. One of those moments that you really appreciate life, not a single care in the world.
TT was constantly pulling over or slowing down if we saw anything worthwhile and at one stop mentioned how dangerous it was to do a self-drive safari if you didn’t know what you were doing and that an Elephant could flip a truck with no effort at all if they felt threatened. Cheers for the tip pal, more than ever I was rather grateful to be in his capable hands.
Not even 5 minutes later we saw some activity ahead and slowed down as there was probably about 10 Elephants strolling around either side of the road. Another magical moment as we had animals of all ages acting playfully.
Just as we were relaxing and enjoying the intimate moment, a car sped passed at a ridiculous speed without a care in the world, this seemed to startle the elephants and the vibe took on a slightly more sinister feel.
“We good TT?”
If TT hadn’t given that little titbit a few minutes earlier I think I’d have been quite chilled, but these were wild animals, and rather powerful ones at that, who had quickly moved from playful to pissed off. But TT knows what he’s doing, right? Still, I’m quite happy to move on.
As one of the younger ones edged slightly towards us the engine quickly turned on and the tyre screech suggested we may have outstayed our welcome, as we sped off a couple of the bigger ones gave us a not so polite send off. I can’t lie, my heart was racing, another close encounter, one stall from TT and who knows what happens next. Thankfully all went smoothly and before long we were sat having dinner awaiting the bonus night Safari.
TT gave it his best shot, the hope was to head out and find Lions, out in the middle of nowhere with wild animals all around. In the quiet after switching off the engine, it was just the moon and the stars lighting the night. The feelings were tense and dramatic and we cracked on, kept searching. Knowing any animal could appear in an instant kept the heart rate raised.
TT spent a couple of hours flying around in the darkness and although satisfying and intimidating in equal measure, a herd of ‘Buffalos’ were the main sighting. Still very cool but by this time of night with limited action, the adrenaline was wearing off. However, I did set a personal best for most awkward place to fall asleep as I was bouncing around on the back of the truck. Not for the first time this trip…what a bloody wonderful day.
We go again
A bright an early start and a visit to the less than appealing bathrooms but you get what you can out here and running water was sufficient for me. TT woke with a sense of determination, he was driving offroad into spots that had never seen a vehicle before, following even the briefest hint of Lion tracks, that was the mission of the day.
Sometimes in life you just know it isn’t your day. Back in the main park we hit a snag, a puncture. A quick check of the locality and we jumped out to let TT do his stuff. That wasn’t the end of the world but we saw another truck stop 200m or so up the road, then another. Turns out they were watching a small pride of lions and we were helpless to get over and join the action.
Ah well, the best games in life are the ones where you don’t always win, it makes the reward all the more sweeter when you do, but alas not today, we had the thrill of the chase but no joy, we gave up the ghost despite our best efforts and headed back to the border.
Any chance, wink wink
Now we kind of knew we’d overstayed our free entry into Botswana by staying overnight but were quietly hoping it would all somehow work out, especially in the most corrupt region of the world. We were hoping a little wink and ten dollars would do the trick. But given I’m too shy to ask for a refund on a dodgy pint back home, asking the wrong man for a bribe wasn’t something I was about to attempt now.
After several “Are you sure? Do we reaalllly have to get another Visa? we handed over the $50 for a new entry Visa to Zambia and Zimbabwe and were sent on our way. In reality, I’m glad it worked that way, we were just bitter paying $50 for half a day in a country, oh well.
Back to my private tent for the night and more torrential rain and electricity blackouts, Africa always bringing the cool vibes.
“Where’s that menu gone? Any near death experiences we can try today Case?”
Against my better judgement we decided we’d take on the rapids of the Zambezi. I’m an incredibly poor swimmer, I can’t even bloody float for God’s sake but we’re here now and it’s another experience so it’d be rude not to. Our last river outing together in Colombia almost resulted in the death of our good friend Migsy, he was stuck in a whirlpool and needed a last ditch attempt from Colombia’s finest Kayaker to rescue him.
Let’s do this
We had a good bunch on our boat and as always an enthusiastic captain. There was a relaxing, calm and peace as we set off from under the bridge giving us a new perspective of the bungee experience while the captain made jokes about Crocodiles in the water to add an element of comedy to the trip.
And off we went, the first few rapids were harmless enough and I remembered why so many people enjoy this hobby, in between rapids it returned to the peaceful tranquillity of a drifting river taking in the awesome sights of the steep cliffs all around us, worth the entrance fee alone.
“Look”
Oh ffs, he wasn’t joking about the Crocodiles! He pointed one out on the bank just metres from the river waiting for his next tourist snack. What ya gonna do, we’re here now. We still fancied our chances and got stuck in and I can’t lie it was great fun, working as a team giving it your best to try and push the boat through the rapids, not actually knowing if we were making any difference but we gave it our best shot and big cheers followed the completion of every section.
Before every new challenge the captain gave us a bit of a brief, the rapids novelty name, the direction we need to head and the likelihood of flipping. Next up, ‘The Washing machine’ 50/50. We headed straight for it, gave it our best shot and bounced through the first few waves and then whoooosh, over we went, the boat flew up in the air and there was no way we were staying in.
As much as you know it’s part of the risk, there’s nothing that compares you for that terrifying feeling of being completely disorientated – 1,000 m3 a second of water rushing violently over you with the sheer intensity of the river crashing in your ears. Squeezed up like a ball hoping that you’re not upside down, praying that in the next couple of seconds your life jacket is going to do its job and pop you out for that breath of fresh air that you so desperately desire.
And finally!!! What feels like forever could only have been a handful of seconds but up I popped and took that thankful deep breath, only for the mouth to be filled with the next wave of water.
Be lucky Mart
This time my luck was in, no more than 2 metres in front of me was the upturned boat with one of our team on the top. How the hell did he get back up there so quickly?? Absolutely no idea but I was thanking my lucky stars that he was. I stuck out my oar and he dragged me aboard, Casey was next to be retrieved and we briefly embraced after surviving another epic moment. We both sat atop the boat and turned our attentions to the shouts of desperation and tried to assist where we could. The kayaks were beavering around and did their best to save the stranded souls and before long we were all safe and sound.
Once back aboard and ready to rock and roll there was one lady who was not so keen to continue. She was in her 50’s and had drifted quite far from the boat before being rescued. I’ve been there before love, and I know it’s thoroughly unpleasant, and that was without the fear of having my leg bitten off. We didn’t have much choice so off we went and completed the remaining rapids safely before a huge hike back up the cliff face.
There we enjoyed a well deserved freshly cooked bbq and a couple of beers, regaled our tales of near death and swapped numbers with our new found comrades. They joined us later that evening for a local dinner where I treated myself to a couple of Strawberry Daquiri’s to round off another adrenaline filled day.
By now we’d pretty much ticked off all the things we’d like to do off the tourist menu so we had to get a bit more creative with our final day. Myself and Case are very much part time golfers and had the pleasure of playing in Tanzania and more recently in Rwanda, so, why not see if there’s a course around here. A quick google search and up popped ‘Elephant Hills Golf Course’.
Charming name, let’s do it.
A taxi to the course and we arrived to an empty car park and a collection of about 15 locals caddies waiting for the next golfers. Feeling a little anti-social after a busy few days we turned down their offers and headed to the first tee. Now feeling a little guilty we ended up asking one of the guys to join us. Enoch was our man and thank God he was.
Enoch the saviour
Hole 1, “Who’s that fella over there with the gun, Enoch?”
“Ah, he’s anti-poaching as there is always a risk they will come here to kill the Elephants and Hippo’s”
Halfway down the second hole we encountered a ridiculous amount of baboons, now I’m no David Attenborough but my understanding is that these fellas could rip your face off if they so desired. Without Enoch I was 1,000,000% turning round and going home. But he reassured us there would be no issues so we cracked on.
Deep breaths “Just hit it cleanly Mart, get it over them and we can just crack on”.
No chance, when you don’t wanna top it, whats the one thing you do?? My shot dribbled slowly into the middle of the group, in fairness, one of the babies picked it up and gave me another 10 yards so it wasn’t all bad. I gritted my teeth and strolled over, slightly disturbed by the shrieking heckles as the baboons scrapped with each other and swung around the trees.
Enoch was right, for all my concerns, they were happy enough and entertained themselves as we passed through.
Hole 3, a water hazard right in front of the tee, now on any normal day playing golf this was sufficiently intimidating for me. But the little sign of ‘Beware Crocodiles’ was a twist I had never seen before.
“But surely you don’t ever see them though…right…Enoch?”
“Of course we do, this is Africa”
The chaos continues
Hole 4, Waterbucks, hole 5 Warthogs, hole 6 Impala’s…you get the picture. This wasn’t just a round of golf, this was golf safari. This was by far the most insane round of golf I’d ever been on and it was only the seventh hole.
Unbelievable, surely that’s as dramatic as it’s going to get.
That hole brought another lake and this time no sign required, it was presumed by now we understood the dangers. And there it was, thanking our lucky stars he was on the other side of the lake but still close enough to get the heart racing. I was used to Squirrels and Magpie’s back home and now I’m doing my best to avoid bloody Crocodiles, what the hell is going on here?
We took a well-deserved break at the midway point and had a nice opportunity to get to know a bit more about Enoch over a drink and a sandwich. He told us about the travails of the lack of rain and how the extended dry season had really affected the crops and everyone’s ability to fend for themselves, add to that the typical complaints about a corrupt government and a struggling economy, it really didn’t paint a bright picture for every day Zimbabweans.
Tough times
This was highlighted in and around town when countless hawkers would pester you trying to sell all sorts of bric a brac, including animal ornaments but more uniquely, the world famous $100 trillion Zimbabwean dollar note, back from 2009 when hyperinflation was destroying the economy and the price of a loaf of bread changed while you were in the queue at the shop. No great surprise they abandoned the Zimdollar shortly after. This has however been reintroduced but in the main it is the US dollar that is used today. In our few days there we only transacted this way and it was impossible to get local cash from ATM’s.
The persistence of these fellas again highlighted the struggles, in Rwanda and Uganda you were rarely bothered and a quick ‘no’ was more than enough for them. But here the continued pursuit emphasized their desperation.
The round proceeded with relative tranquillity, still plenty of animals but a lot less action, that was until I’d hit a lovely shot onto the green. Only to see a couple of Baboons messing about up there, of course one took my ball and ran off with it, great. This I kind of expected, but I was taken aback when one of them grabbed the flag and headed for the trees.
Enoch let out a sigh as if to say ‘Not this again’. He shot after them but he has his limits, the Baboon darted up the tree but this didn’t stop Enoch. His persistence paid off and after a bit of shouting the flag fell from the tree and we were able to crack on, needless to say I still three putted and missed the par.
How is this not on the tourist menu? This was a completely unexpected treat of close up encounters with all sorts of exotic animals, sport and a bonus safari. Who knew a round of golf could bring so much adrenaline. On our return we implored the owner to make more effort to advertise this. During the whole 4 hours we probably saw more than 100 animals but not one single other golfer on the course. With so many caddies looking for work in struggling economy and 2 million tourists a year, this should be the one of the highlights of any trip to this part of the world.
That evening we planned to just chill out….. that was until Casey’s hotel owner said he was off out for a game drive. Bloody wonderful. The trip that keeps on giving. Simon loaded up the cool box with beers and we set off into the Zambezi National Park on another voyage of discovery.
LIving the dream
Again, just another cracking evening. At the very worst we’ve got a beer in hand driving through serene nature hearing incredible stories from a couple who have lived an adventure out here for the last 30 years. At best we’ll enjoy all that with another intimate experience with wildlife on top.
Of course, still no lions but we headed to a viewpoint that can even be used for overnight camping. The kind of awesome off the beaten track experience we would have loved to have tried had we more time. But for tonight it was just a relaxed chill with a beer while we looked out over the savannah. We saw a few elephants disappear just as we arrived and thought we’d missed a beautiful moment.
But there was a watering hole just in front of us and shortly after, a different family of about 10 elephants wandered over, such a lovely peaceful moment as we observed them from a distance. For one brief moment they were startled and collectively stopped to decide if we were a danger. But they assessed the risk and correctly decided they could take us down if it came to it and proceeded to get their fix of water for the day.
And finally, that was that. I’ve been around a bit, but a couple of weeks alone in Egypt and Uganda followed by 10 days with one of my best friends living some incredible adventures, there was no doubt this was up there with one of my best ever trips.
Gorillas before this in Rwanda, Helicopter flights, bungee jumping, white water rafting, safari, quite a few times where I genuinely thought my life was in danger. From what I hear that is nothing compared to what’s up next. My quickest route home will take me via a couple of days in Johannesburg, by all accounts two days there will be more of a threat to my life that anything else. Let’s see!!